I was hoping that the New Moon that occurred early this morning would give me a new feeling of optimism and hopefulness. For weeks I have been like the walking dead, having bad dreams, feeling like my arm is being twisted to do something that I don’t believe in and don’t want to do. Like someone is asking me to sign on the dotted line and I don’t want to sign (Oh wait! In fact someone IS asking me to sign something!).
Having been horribly confused as to what to do since being told I was laid off two weeks ago, I have been searching for answers during this Mercury Retrograde. I normally have a fairly easy time making decisions. But this one threw me. The world has been nebulous, murky, filled with more questions than answers.
I asked for an extension to make this decision, not wanting to sign anything while Mercury is still Retrograde, and more importantly, while my head still isn’t screwed on straight. Confused after almost two weeks, I went out with a friend for an espresso (hey, it’s what I can afford right now) at a wine bar called “Sofia”, perhaps not un-coincidentally the name of the goddess of wisdom.
We talked for over three hours about my dilemma. My very wise friend brought up some ideas that I hadn’t considered and questioned me relentlessly about why I felt so awful about making this decision. I told her it was because signing was going to make me feel worse about the whole thing than I already did, like I was being bought out (Oh wait! That’s exactly what was happening!).
What I discovered in the course of the conversation is that no amount of money (or actually, no amount unless an insane amount) will make me feel OK about signing. I’ve never been one to focus my life on money or else I would have chosen to be an investment banker not an artist. I realized that what one of my friends calls my “will-of-steel” is rearing it’s ugly head again and I simply refuse to sell out. I don’t want to look back and say I sold out my legal rights, my ability to talk about my experience, for what ultimately in the long run is nothing.
As I woke up this morning, clarity had finally come. Sometimes to move on, you have to do something. But sometimes to move on, you have to do nothing. You have to turn away and keep your options open and not allow yourself to take what looks like the best option in the short run. You have to not sign on the dotted line, even
if it means eating Ramen and egg salad sandwiches for weeks. . .
I had the Dandy Warhol’s tune “Rock Bottom” (“You ain’t got nothing til you hit rock bottom!”) in my head all morning. Years ago I took one of those schmaltzy “What is your theme song?” tests, and mine turned out to be AC/DC’s “Back in Black.” And that’s how I feel today! So I put together a short mixtape for anyone who’s been laid off recently, or is going through tough times.
I hope you feel like you’ve come back to who you are today!